This Week's Story
Memo:
First May Clock 3905
To: Traveline Unlimited Universal
From: Earth Headquarters, DMN corp. limited.
Cc: Ceo, Rautha Grendle PlanetFris
Cko, Gwen Preteson Planetmov):
Coo, Mis Treb Kwna, Planet gRaPT
Coc, Frinlke ladfjink, Planetbase
It has been brought to the attention of the parent company, DMN corp. limited, that certain liberties have been taken with the new line of edutravelcations. Because of several unfortunate incidents that have been brought to our attention there are now new guidelines in place and several old that need to be reviewed.
As you know Travelines etc.… was created for the sole purpose of educating the general public about our universal neighbors as well as providing family style entertainment for mid to low budget vacationers. Our edutravelcations (a word for which we have the copyright until turn of the clock 4560) are intended as family vacations and always include provisions for those under the age of clock 12. It is for this purpose that we’ve studied the ancient documents that our founder, DMN, discovered on an archeological dig in what used to be Floreeda and which we now know as NooCooba. Our tenets are few but strict. We do not turn to the right or the left of them.
Family includes all persons in a biological or otherwise legal grouping, including, but not limited to, partners of varying ages, their offspring, their parents, and any other legal relatives.
Education is the highest aim that a person can strive for: “Without education we are without.”
It behooves us, legally, morally, and defensively to carry out a complete and insidious study of all forms of life that are presented to us. We cannot look away, but we must follow where we are led.
The study that the untrained eye commits is in its own ways valuable to the continuing learned study and professional understanding that those trained to the task undertake.
By providing this service to our planets we are continuing the thousand years of peace that we have worked so hard to achieve and through our complete and insidious knowledge of others we can come to a greater understanding of how to achieve this foothold in the complete and utter universe.
These are the tenets that we all know and strive to uphold. Without these we would have no guidelines to help us form the most educational and most enjoyable vacations a family could hope to have.
The following rules have been created for the sole purpose of empowering the local Traveline employee to best create a family environment in which each member of the family is included in the edutravelcation. These rules were created in reaction to the aforementioned liberties, a.k.a. the unfortunate exploitation of certain locals at the expense (morally, ethically, and monetarily) of Traveline Unlimited and it’s parent corporation, DMN corp. limited.
Beginning Third April Clock 3905 each family group participating in edutravelcations will be accompanied by a qualified Traveline representative cognizant of local customs and mores. This representative will be selected and compensated through the parent company DMN corp. limited with the express purpose of, but not limited to, adherence to the following rules and regulations created by the aforementioned parent company on this day First May Clock 3905.
Participants of Travelines edutravelcations may discuss certain subjects with the indigenous planetary denizens (a.k.a. locals), including and not straying far from, local history, geography, family hobbies and activities, eating habits (excepting cannibalistic types), pets, schooling, governments (excepting suspicious or otherwise compromising types), and such subjects as seem appropriate to family type gatherings.
The qualified Traveline representative will be present, as a guide and disseminator of local knowledge, at each and every gathering including Traveline edutravelcation participants and the locals of any planet that they happen to be on. This includes, but is not limited to, parties of any sort, meals of any kind, walks, movies, rides, and any such type of entertainment that is deemed valuable to the participants and the representative of Traveline for the express purpose of adhering to and upholding the above mentioned tenets.
The Traveline representative will sleep and otherwise stay in the same local establishments as the Traveline family unit they are accompanying on the edutravelcation.
Each Traveline representative will be sent a list of participating local hotels, restaurants, playhouses, gardens and other local sites of entertainment and education. There will be no straying to the left or the right from this list at any time for any reason. Non-adherents will be persecuted and promptly expelled from Traveline and its parent corporation DMN corp. limited.
Each and every planet participating in Traveline edutravelcations will be thoroughly and positively examined and explored before the seal of approval from the parent corporation DMN corp. limited will be granted. Any Representative making trips, personal or otherwise, to any planet not rated with a grade of 12 or lower on the DMN corp. limited rating system (sec. 5) derived from the planetary ratings of prosperous and non-lethal planets, will be immediately and thoroughly expelled. All expenses incurred in the process of returning to their birth planet will be theirs and theirs alone.
What follows is a short list (long list sec. 2) of physical derivatives that are acceptable to the parent corporation, a.k.a. DMN corp. limited, for the purpose, express or otherwise, of fulfilling Traveline edutravelcations guidelines:
Locals humanoid in form and function.
1. See unacceptable derivatives 8. A. -D.
Locals mammalian in form and function.
Locals mechanistic in form and function
Locals crystalline in form and function
Locals in as yet unknown form and function that do not fall under the unacceptable derivatives discussed in 8. A. – D. (long list sec.2a)
Unacceptable derivatives short list (long list sec. 2a)
Locals exhibiting one or more of the following
Excessive hair or fur in regions deemed genital
Excessive scales or feathers in regions deemed genital
Locals exhibiting one or more of the following
breasts, any size or shape, that are viewed as sexual or nutritive organs that will not be, by nature or prudence covered in such a way to discourage untoward curiosity
buttocks, any size or shape, that are viewed as sexual or expelling organs that will not be, by nature or prudence covered in such a way to discourage untoward curiosity
Locals exhibiting any orifice that can be deemed as sexual and will not be, by nature or prudence, covered in such a way to discourage untoward curiosity
Locals exhibiting any physicality that can be deemed as sexual and will not be, by nature or prudence, covered in such a way to discourage untoward curiosity
Prospective Traveline clients will now be required to sign a simple form (sec. 4b) allowing Traveline and/or its parent corporation DMN corp. limited to submit each family participant profile (compliant with the Clock 3030 extrauniversal profiling system for physiological veracity test usage) to the Interlope/Unisys division of limit criminal and subversive physiological veracity test site, division 2.
Non-adherents to these rules and regulations and Representatives that have been deemed to be subversive to the tenets of Traveline and its parent corporation, DMN corp. limited. will be promptly expelled from their position and all expenses incurred in the process of returning to their birth planet will be theirs and theirs alone.
We hope these rules will make your work at Traveline enjoyable and informative. We appreciate any information or suggestions you may have regarding Traveline and its edutravelcations.
Sincerely,
JP
Shannon O’Dougeherty
K.L.H.H. lif.
Personnel are now taking applications for employees, and their families, of Traveline and its parent corporation DMN corp. limited, for Traveline’s new and improved edutravelcations. Travel with your family to exotic locations! Meet locals from unexplored territories! Discover for yourself the unusual customs and strange habits of those from other planets! 30% Discount for employees of Traveline and its parent corporation DMN corp. limited and their families. Additional 10% discount for those with referral edutravelcations booked and 20% deposit paid. Some restrictions may apply.